Just Because I'm Gwapo, 1

The Philippines is in shambles. The peso plummets further against the dollar. The Muslim extremists and the NPA terrorist acts intensify. The political situation is unredeemable with its players changing party allegiances more frequently than you change your clothes. More and more people sink below the poverty line. Carnage in the streets. Children sold to slavery and prostitution. Drug addiction escalating.

Yeah, I know how to read. I was just reading the headlines. I always see these in the headings whenever I pick up my morning papers. Oh yeah, I get all leading newspapers everyday, but I’m all for their health and lifestyle sections only.

Even in CNN or BBC, where I get my daily dose of inside stuff about celebrities (Man, Adrianna Lima is scorching! Is she even human?), I’m always bombarded with these unpleasant stuff. I only want to know if there’s a new Paris Hilton sex tape coming up.

I’m sorry but I’m just a handsome face. And rich, too.

Everyday when I go to the gym, I always see these families in the streets, begging and all. Man, they’re so disgusting. I mean, don’t they know how to take a bath or something? The kids are so dirty, with their filthy hands; I wonder how they could eat with those. Haven’t they heard of soap and alcohol? And they’re so skinny too. Well, yeah, I would want to be thin and all, but … y’know, without the flies.

And who is this Gloria person everyone’s been talking about? Is she the small woman with a big bad mole and a stupid hairstyle? Geez, haven’t she heard of Vogue? And that mole, outta here! I heard she’s the big boss. I don’t know about her being “big” but if she’s really that bigshot, she could’ve hired better stylists. Those outfits are so passé. And what’s this ConAss thing? My PA (personal assistant!) said some people are plotting to eradicate (big word, huh?) the president during the convention. Tell you what, the first people that’s gotta go are those ugly, disgusting … ugly people.

Like the ones in the streets, and those mediocre (I learned this word today, my secretary taught me) film stars. Can the police just round them all up and ship them to … uhm … Mindanao or something?

(to be concluded…)