Just Because I'm Gwapo, 2

This “peso is 50 versus the dollar” stuff, I don’t get it. I mean, why do people fuss over such little amount? It’s not enough for a Macchiato, or a box of Cartier’s for pete’s sake! 50 pesos, so what? Even if it goes down to over a hundred … or even a thousand, big! freakin’! deal!

So they say like, a lot of people sink below the poverty line almost everyday. So, they’re like, poor people? Like broke? Like Martha Stewart broke?

My friends tell me that poor people are ugly people, and that poor people are criminals. No wonder criminals are so poorly-dressed. What can you expect from these people? That’s why I don’t mingle with them, I’m afraid I might get kidnapped or something, or worse get contaminated with their ugliness.

And what is politics? Like, police or something? Or maybe “ticks”? I’m sure they’re right in saying that Philippine politics is very dirty; it’s not even a beautiful word by the sound of it, politics. I should know. My dead dog, a Labrador Retriever named Gorgeous, had a city of ticks under her coat. And I’ll tell you, it’s not the most pleasant sight in the whole wide, like, world!

I’d rather eat Jollibee than look at them. Maybe “politics” means insect-contamination or something. I don’t know, told you I’m just gwapo.

You know last week I wrote a letter to the I-forgot-the-name-of-the-paper-because-I’m-so dumb magazine. Actually, I didn’t write the whole letter, my secretary did. But I helped, yeah, like, four big words: Dear Mister Editor Man.

Okay so we sent the letter to their office, demanding them not to publish such unpleasant stuff like Muslim people or poor people or garbage and stuff, or else my friends and I are gonna boycott their parties.

I mean, if we don’t show up at their parties, their camera-people (what do you call those?) wouldn’t have any pictures; and if they don’t have pictures, they wouldn’t have anything to put in their, like, lifestyle sections; and they’re gonna close the paper, and they become … like … poor!

Ha! I know, I’m brilliant.

(to be concluded…)